One is the loneliest number

Alright little missy,

The time finally came when I could try standing after being off the magnesium. I was SOOO excited. I sat on the edge of my hospital bed and the aide helped me stand up. My legs felt so weak, my stomach felt like it was going to pop open, and I got so lightheaded and dizzy it caused me to throw up. The nurse told me that I shouldn't push it so it was back to the bed I went and back to feeling helpless.

Your Dad was absolutely exhausted from running around taking care of us and he decided to head home to get some sleep. I told him I would call your Grandma Reid so I wouldn't be alone. He wanted me to try standing again so I could go see you even though he wasn't going to be there. He knew how important it was to me.

Your Grandma got to the hospital and we visited for a little bit. I finally felt like I could try to stand again so we got the nurse. She helped me stand and get into the wheelchair. It hurt and I was dizzy but it wasn't nearly as bad as the time before.

Grandma wheeled me to the NICU, we were both so excited to see you. This was going to be your Grandma's first time seeing you and in many ways it was going to be my first time too since I couldn't really see you the day you were born. We scrubbed in at the sink in the hall and Grandma wheeled me into room one.

Little babies in their isolettes lined the walls with their monitors beeping. The nurses said hello and asked which baby was mine. It was a whole new world in that NICU room. Grandma wheeled me to your isolette. Your nurse that night was quiet and not the most friendly. She tried lowering your isolette so I could see you but it got caught on something and she acted like she didn't have time to deal with it so she left it where it was.  I tried to stretch up in my wheelchair to see you but it didn't really help.  Here I was, again, not really being able to see you. I asked the nurse if I could touch you to which she ornery replied, no. I felt so deflated and sad. I had been waiting soooo long for this moment and it was quickly turning into the exact opposite of what I had hoped for.

Your Grandma was able to see you better and kept remarking about how beautiful you were.  Your Grandma and I are very close and I know she could see the pain in my face and the sadness in my eyes.

In that moment I felt like you were the NICU's and nurse's baby. Here I am, your Mom, and I can barely see you, I can't touch you, and I have to follow all of the strict rules of the NICU. I understand they have those rules in place to keep the babies healthy but it did nothing for my saddened heart in that moment.

I made sure to tell you I loved you and how proud I was of you for being so strong.  I started to feel some serious pain from my incision so I asked Grandma if she could wheel me back to my room.  I left with my head hanging.  This was NOT how it was suppose to be.

Grandma got me back and I had issues with nausea and dizziness again.  Once the nurse got me in my bed, Grandma made sure I was settled in for the night and told me she loved me.  I know I was quiet and I know she could tell I was struggling.  She later told me that when Grandpa picked her up to take her home she sobbed the whole way.  She, more than anyone, knew how badly I wanted to be a mother.  She watched me be a mini-mom to my brother, your uncle, the whole time we were growing up.  She kept telling your Grandpa that it just wasn't fair.

Andra, it wasn't fair.

Your Dad had got to spend time with you, change your bum, touch you, see you and I wanted nothing more than to be able to do the same.  I was jealous, upset, heartbroken and completely emotionally drained.  I cried and cried that night.  It is so hard not to have all of those heartbreaking feelings even though I knew I should be grateful for all the blessings we received and be overcome with happiness that you were doing so well.  I had to remind myself that it was okay to feel these feelings and to be upset.  It just showed how much I loved you and how badly I wanted to bond with you.  Andra, it is always okay for you to feel sad.  No one has to be happy and positive all of the time.  It does not make you ungrateful for the wonderful things in your life.  We have feelings for a reason and we learn from them and grow.

Room One in that NICU left me feeling lonely that night. The whole experience in that small 15 minutes was extremely hard for me because all I wanted to do was be your Mom and that was the one thing I was not able to do.

This is a photo your Dad took that morning.  He was able to see you without anything hooked to your sweet face.  You were so incredibly tiny and skinny.

Liquid Gold

Andra,

I was always really concerned that I would not be able to breastfeed.  For some reason it terrified me and I thought I would not be able to produce milk.  Well... I prayed really hard for that 48 hours after your birth that I would be able to give you the milk you need.  

You kind of got jipped, kiddo.  Most babies receive the majority of their anti-bodies from their Mom in the last trimester of pregnancy.  Since you came the very first week of my last trimester you got the short end of the stick when it came to a fully developed immune system.  I knew the main way I could help was to provide you with liquid gold (breast milk).  I focused really hard and got to work pumping and pumping and pumping.  I would send your Dad pictures to show him my progress because I was so proud and extremely thankful.  It started out just a couple of drops and developed into more than I ever thought possible.  

I have some photos to show my progress.

04/26/2014 - 5:30 AM (Pumped about half of a mL... I was ecstatic)

04/27/2014 - 12:00 AM (Pumped 2 whole mL's)

04/27/2014 - 5:30 AM (Was completely shocked by the amount I was pumping... those are the large syringes and maybe one of your primary nurses can remind me how much they hold?)

04/30/2014  - (Pumped my very first bottle)

05/28/2014 - (Shocked myself by pumping four and a half bottles during one pump session) 

You see that?  In a little over a month I went from a half mL to close to 12 oz.  This astounded me.  I was a pumping machine.  I faithfully pumped every 3 hours because I wanted to make sure I would keep my supply and be able to breastfeed you when the time came.  I remember getting very uncomfortable when other Mom's in the NICU had concerns because their supply was not keeping up or falling behind.  I felt so bad that not everyone produces like I did and it didn't make sense why.  I was so lucky to produce milk like I did.

People I know would always say to me that I was so lucky to not have to wake up to a crying baby at night and that I could get my sleep.  Little did they know that I would have done anything to wake up to your cries, watch your cute sleepy face, hold you in my arms and tell you I love you.  Instead I woke up to my phone alarm every 3 hours, walked out to the kitchen to get my pumping supplies, pump and listen to the suction sounds, clean all the pump parts, label bottles and go back to bed.  Once I was in bed I would lay there wondering how you were doing and then the overwhelming feelings of missing you would hit.  Sometimes I would cry quietly until I fell asleep again.  Sometimes I would fall asleep thinking of you.  Other times I would look at your pictures on my phone and snuggle a blanket we were able to bring home from the hospital that smelled like you.  When none of those were good enough I would call the night nurse and ask how you were doing.  They were always so pleasant and kind and it would make me feel better knowing you were doing well.

By the end of your NICU stay I was ready to throw that stupid pump into the road and watch a car run over it. No matter how irritated and annoyed I got with pumping I did it with a smile in my heart because I knew I was providing you with the very best your tiny body needed.  I would do it all over again if I had to.   

I started to joke with your Dad that I could have been a Wet Nurse back in the day.  I could have fed all the babies in the village because I produced so much milk.

We started to get quite the collection.  I ended up donating about 200 bottles to the hospital for a breast milk study and recently was able to give two laundry baskets full to a family in need.  Their little baby girl was having trouble swallowing and had to be put on a tube.  Her mother's milk was drying up and she was so worried because her baby girl was not responding well to formula.  They came to our house, met you and took home all that milk.  The baby is doing so much better and they were so thankful.  It warms my heart to know all that work and love I put into pumping will not go to waste and that it is helping another sweet little baby like you.  I'm thankful Heavenly Father answered my prayers and made it possible to not only provide for you but for another baby in need too.  

Love you,

Mom

The next 48 LONG hours

Dearest Andra,

I was recovering in the Women's Special Care unit after your birth. Since Magnesium is pretty awful they are strict about the time frame of when you are allowed to try standing. Basically Magnesium is a nerve/muscle relaxant. My limbs felt like jelly, my vision went blurry and I felt like crap. That meant I slept a lot. I was also constantly swimming in sweat puddles and my skin felt like it was on fire. I even scared your Grandma Starkie because she touched my arm and was surprised how hot I was.

I had to be on magnesium 24 after delivery and then wait another 24 hours before they would allow me to try standing. This meant I didn't get to see you which broke my heart some more. Then I felt so guilty for feeling that way because the woman in the room next to mine lost her baby. I could hear her sobbing and heartbroken in her room, especially throughout the night. It tore at my heart. I don't know what I would have done in her shoes but it made me thankful that you were here. Our situation might have not been my ideal plan but you were here.

I have to take this opportunity to tell you that your Dad may not wear a mask and cape but he is our hero. I have never been more impressed and in love with your Dad then I was during this whole experience. Before you came along I was the one who always took care of your Dad. I love caring for people, it's just in my nature. It always left me curious how your Dad would handle the whole childbirth experience and then being given ours I was concerned with how he would handle it. He showed me that there was no reason for me to be nervous. He was incredible! He made sure we were both cared for, handled insurance, ordered a breastpump, delivered breast milk to the NICU, took care of things at home, and the list goes on and on. I am truly so amazed by him.

During that horribly long 48 hours he would visit you and then tell me all about it and show me pictures. He was so positive when talking to me because he knew I was having a hard time. He would be beaming when talking you and how perfect you were. Your Dad doesn't get teary eyed or choked up often but he sure did after you were born. He is so in love with you, please never forget that.

Your Dad was always thinking about his two girls and one of the rules he made was that no family members were allowed to see you until I was able to. Aside from Grandpa Reid because he helped your Dad give you a blessing after you were born. (I will have to have your Dad tell you about his 48 hours as it was very different from mine) He wanted to make sure your Mom got her time first. It touched my heart that he thought of that and made me thankful because I was already a little jealous that your Dad got to see you when I couldn't. Seems silly but I just really wanted to see you, my sweet baby Andra!

The one thing I felt I could do for you was give you milk. I worked so hard during that 48 hours to produce milk. I had a wonderful nurse who helped me and I watched some great videos. I was determined to do that one thing for you. If I couldn't be there physically I would at least do this. It was a slow going process but all the praying and hard work paid off. I was able to feed you and it was exactly what you needed.