I was always really concerned that I would not be able to breastfeed. For some reason it terrified me and I thought I would not be able to produce milk. Well... I prayed really hard for that 48 hours after your birth that I would be able to give you the milk you need.
You kind of got jipped, kiddo. Most babies receive the majority of their anti-bodies from their Mom in the last trimester of pregnancy. Since you came the very first week of my last trimester you got the short end of the stick when it came to a fully developed immune system. I knew the main way I could help was to provide you with liquid gold (breast milk). I focused really hard and got to work pumping and pumping and pumping. I would send your Dad pictures to show him my progress because I was so proud and extremely thankful. It started out just a couple of drops and developed into more than I ever thought possible.
I have some photos to show my progress.
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| 04/26/2014 - 5:30 AM (Pumped about half of a mL... I was ecstatic) |
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| 04/27/2014 - 12:00 AM (Pumped 2 whole mL's) |
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| 04/27/2014 - 5:30 AM (Was completely shocked by the amount I was pumping... those are the large syringes and maybe one of your primary nurses can remind me how much they hold?) |
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| 04/30/2014 - (Pumped my very first bottle) |
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| 05/28/2014 - (Shocked myself by pumping four and a half bottles during one pump session) |
You see that? In a little over a month I went from a half mL to close to 12 oz. This astounded me. I was a pumping machine. I faithfully pumped every 3 hours because I wanted to make sure I would keep my supply and be able to breastfeed you when the time came. I remember getting very uncomfortable when other Mom's in the NICU had concerns because their supply was not keeping up or falling behind. I felt so bad that not everyone produces like I did and it didn't make sense why. I was so lucky to produce milk like I did.
People I know would always say to me that I was so lucky to not have to wake up to a crying baby at night and that I could get my sleep. Little did they know that I would have done anything to wake up to your cries, watch your cute sleepy face, hold you in my arms and tell you I love you. Instead I woke up to my phone alarm every 3 hours, walked out to the kitchen to get my pumping supplies, pump and listen to the suction sounds, clean all the pump parts, label bottles and go back to bed. Once I was in bed I would lay there wondering how you were doing and then the overwhelming feelings of missing you would hit. Sometimes I would cry quietly until I fell asleep again. Sometimes I would fall asleep thinking of you. Other times I would look at your pictures on my phone and snuggle a blanket we were able to bring home from the hospital that smelled like you. When none of those were good enough I would call the night nurse and ask how you were doing. They were always so pleasant and kind and it would make me feel better knowing you were doing well.
By the end of your NICU stay I was ready to throw that stupid pump into the road and watch a car run over it. No matter how irritated and annoyed I got with pumping I did it with a smile in my heart because I knew I was providing you with the very best your tiny body needed. I would do it all over again if I had to.
I started to joke with your Dad that I could have been a Wet Nurse back in the day. I could have fed all the babies in the village because I produced so much milk.
We started to get quite the collection. I ended up donating about 200 bottles to the hospital for a breast milk study and recently was able to give two laundry baskets full to a family in need. Their little baby girl was having trouble swallowing and had to be put on a tube. Her mother's milk was drying up and she was so worried because her baby girl was not responding well to formula. They came to our house, met you and took home all that milk. The baby is doing so much better and they were so thankful. It warms my heart to know all that work and love I put into pumping will not go to waste and that it is helping another sweet little baby like you. I'm thankful Heavenly Father answered my prayers and made it possible to not only provide for you but for another baby in need too.
Love you,
Mom
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