The time finally came when I could try standing after being off the magnesium. I was SOOO excited. I sat on the edge of my hospital bed and the aide helped me stand up. My legs felt so weak, my stomach felt like it was going to pop open, and I got so lightheaded and dizzy it caused me to throw up. The nurse told me that I shouldn't push it so it was back to the bed I went and back to feeling helpless.
Your Dad was absolutely exhausted from running around taking care of us and he decided to head home to get some sleep. I told him I would call your Grandma Reid so I wouldn't be alone. He wanted me to try standing again so I could go see you even though he wasn't going to be there. He knew how important it was to me.
Your Grandma got to the hospital and we visited for a little bit. I finally felt like I could try to stand again so we got the nurse. She helped me stand and get into the wheelchair. It hurt and I was dizzy but it wasn't nearly as bad as the time before.
Grandma wheeled me to the NICU, we were both so excited to see you. This was going to be your Grandma's first time seeing you and in many ways it was going to be my first time too since I couldn't really see you the day you were born. We scrubbed in at the sink in the hall and Grandma wheeled me into room one.
Little babies in their isolettes lined the walls with their monitors beeping. The nurses said hello and asked which baby was mine. It was a whole new world in that NICU room. Grandma wheeled me to your isolette. Your nurse that night was quiet and not the most friendly. She tried lowering your isolette so I could see you but it got caught on something and she acted like she didn't have time to deal with it so she left it where it was. I tried to stretch up in my wheelchair to see you but it didn't really help. Here I was, again, not really being able to see you. I asked the nurse if I could touch you to which she ornery replied, no. I felt so deflated and sad. I had been waiting soooo long for this moment and it was quickly turning into the exact opposite of what I had hoped for.
Your Grandma was able to see you better and kept remarking about how beautiful you were. Your Grandma and I are very close and I know she could see the pain in my face and the sadness in my eyes.
In that moment I felt like you were the NICU's and nurse's baby. Here I am, your Mom, and I can barely see you, I can't touch you, and I have to follow all of the strict rules of the NICU. I understand they have those rules in place to keep the babies healthy but it did nothing for my saddened heart in that moment.
I made sure to tell you I loved you and how proud I was of you for being so strong. I started to feel some serious pain from my incision so I asked Grandma if she could wheel me back to my room. I left with my head hanging. This was NOT how it was suppose to be.
Grandma got me back and I had issues with nausea and dizziness again. Once the nurse got me in my bed, Grandma made sure I was settled in for the night and told me she loved me. I know I was quiet and I know she could tell I was struggling. She later told me that when Grandpa picked her up to take her home she sobbed the whole way. She, more than anyone, knew how badly I wanted to be a mother. She watched me be a mini-mom to my brother, your uncle, the whole time we were growing up. She kept telling your Grandpa that it just wasn't fair.
Andra, it wasn't fair.
Your Dad had got to spend time with you, change your bum, touch you, see you and I wanted nothing more than to be able to do the same. I was jealous, upset, heartbroken and completely emotionally drained. I cried and cried that night. It is so hard not to have all of those heartbreaking feelings even though I knew I should be grateful for all the blessings we received and be overcome with happiness that you were doing so well. I had to remind myself that it was okay to feel these feelings and to be upset. It just showed how much I loved you and how badly I wanted to bond with you. Andra, it is always okay for you to feel sad. No one has to be happy and positive all of the time. It does not make you ungrateful for the wonderful things in your life. We have feelings for a reason and we learn from them and grow.
Room One in that NICU left me feeling lonely that night. The whole experience in that small 15 minutes was extremely hard for me because all I wanted to do was be your Mom and that was the one thing I was not able to do.
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| This is a photo your Dad took that morning. He was able to see you without anything hooked to your sweet face. You were so incredibly tiny and skinny. |
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