Tuesday, October 14, 2014

One is the loneliest number

Alright little missy,

The time finally came when I could try standing after being off the magnesium. I was SOOO excited. I sat on the edge of my hospital bed and the aide helped me stand up. My legs felt so weak, my stomach felt like it was going to pop open, and I got so lightheaded and dizzy it caused me to throw up. The nurse told me that I shouldn't push it so it was back to the bed I went and back to feeling helpless.

Your Dad was absolutely exhausted from running around taking care of us and he decided to head home to get some sleep. I told him I would call your Grandma Reid so I wouldn't be alone. He wanted me to try standing again so I could go see you even though he wasn't going to be there. He knew how important it was to me.

Your Grandma got to the hospital and we visited for a little bit. I finally felt like I could try to stand again so we got the nurse. She helped me stand and get into the wheelchair. It hurt and I was dizzy but it wasn't nearly as bad as the time before.

Grandma wheeled me to the NICU, we were both so excited to see you. This was going to be your Grandma's first time seeing you and in many ways it was going to be my first time too since I couldn't really see you the day you were born. We scrubbed in at the sink in the hall and Grandma wheeled me into room one.

Little babies in their isolettes lined the walls with their monitors beeping. The nurses said hello and asked which baby was mine. It was a whole new world in that NICU room. Grandma wheeled me to your isolette. Your nurse that night was quiet and not the most friendly. She tried lowering your isolette so I could see you but it got caught on something and she acted like she didn't have time to deal with it so she left it where it was.  I tried to stretch up in my wheelchair to see you but it didn't really help.  Here I was, again, not really being able to see you. I asked the nurse if I could touch you to which she ornery replied, no. I felt so deflated and sad. I had been waiting soooo long for this moment and it was quickly turning into the exact opposite of what I had hoped for.

Your Grandma was able to see you better and kept remarking about how beautiful you were.  Your Grandma and I are very close and I know she could see the pain in my face and the sadness in my eyes.

In that moment I felt like you were the NICU's and nurse's baby. Here I am, your Mom, and I can barely see you, I can't touch you, and I have to follow all of the strict rules of the NICU. I understand they have those rules in place to keep the babies healthy but it did nothing for my saddened heart in that moment.

I made sure to tell you I loved you and how proud I was of you for being so strong.  I started to feel some serious pain from my incision so I asked Grandma if she could wheel me back to my room.  I left with my head hanging.  This was NOT how it was suppose to be.

Grandma got me back and I had issues with nausea and dizziness again.  Once the nurse got me in my bed, Grandma made sure I was settled in for the night and told me she loved me.  I know I was quiet and I know she could tell I was struggling.  She later told me that when Grandpa picked her up to take her home she sobbed the whole way.  She, more than anyone, knew how badly I wanted to be a mother.  She watched me be a mini-mom to my brother, your uncle, the whole time we were growing up.  She kept telling your Grandpa that it just wasn't fair.

Andra, it wasn't fair.

Your Dad had got to spend time with you, change your bum, touch you, see you and I wanted nothing more than to be able to do the same.  I was jealous, upset, heartbroken and completely emotionally drained.  I cried and cried that night.  It is so hard not to have all of those heartbreaking feelings even though I knew I should be grateful for all the blessings we received and be overcome with happiness that you were doing so well.  I had to remind myself that it was okay to feel these feelings and to be upset.  It just showed how much I loved you and how badly I wanted to bond with you.  Andra, it is always okay for you to feel sad.  No one has to be happy and positive all of the time.  It does not make you ungrateful for the wonderful things in your life.  We have feelings for a reason and we learn from them and grow.

Room One in that NICU left me feeling lonely that night. The whole experience in that small 15 minutes was extremely hard for me because all I wanted to do was be your Mom and that was the one thing I was not able to do.

This is a photo your Dad took that morning.  He was able to see you without anything hooked to your sweet face.  You were so incredibly tiny and skinny.


Monday, October 13, 2014

Liquid Gold

Andra,

I was always really concerned that I would not be able to breastfeed.  For some reason it terrified me and I thought I would not be able to produce milk.  Well... I prayed really hard for that 48 hours after your birth that I would be able to give you the milk you need.  

You kind of got jipped, kiddo.  Most babies receive the majority of their anti-bodies from their Mom in the last trimester of pregnancy.  Since you came the very first week of my last trimester you got the short end of the stick when it came to a fully developed immune system.  I knew the main way I could help was to provide you with liquid gold (breast milk).  I focused really hard and got to work pumping and pumping and pumping.  I would send your Dad pictures to show him my progress because I was so proud and extremely thankful.  It started out just a couple of drops and developed into more than I ever thought possible.  

I have some photos to show my progress.

04/26/2014 - 5:30 AM (Pumped about half of a mL... I was ecstatic)

04/27/2014 - 12:00 AM (Pumped 2 whole mL's)

04/27/2014 - 5:30 AM (Was completely shocked by the amount I was pumping... those are the large syringes and maybe one of your primary nurses can remind me how much they hold?)

04/30/2014  - (Pumped my very first bottle)

05/28/2014 - (Shocked myself by pumping four and a half bottles during one pump session) 
You see that?  In a little over a month I went from a half mL to close to 12 oz.  This astounded me.  I was a pumping machine.  I faithfully pumped every 3 hours because I wanted to make sure I would keep my supply and be able to breastfeed you when the time came.  I remember getting very uncomfortable when other Mom's in the NICU had concerns because their supply was not keeping up or falling behind.  I felt so bad that not everyone produces like I did and it didn't make sense why.  I was so lucky to produce milk like I did.

People I know would always say to me that I was so lucky to not have to wake up to a crying baby at night and that I could get my sleep.  Little did they know that I would have done anything to wake up to your cries, watch your cute sleepy face, hold you in my arms and tell you I love you.  Instead I woke up to my phone alarm every 3 hours, walked out to the kitchen to get my pumping supplies, pump and listen to the suction sounds, clean all the pump parts, label bottles and go back to bed.  Once I was in bed I would lay there wondering how you were doing and then the overwhelming feelings of missing you would hit.  Sometimes I would cry quietly until I fell asleep again.  Sometimes I would fall asleep thinking of you.  Other times I would look at your pictures on my phone and snuggle a blanket we were able to bring home from the hospital that smelled like you.  When none of those were good enough I would call the night nurse and ask how you were doing.  They were always so pleasant and kind and it would make me feel better knowing you were doing well.

By the end of your NICU stay I was ready to throw that stupid pump into the road and watch a car run over it. No matter how irritated and annoyed I got with pumping I did it with a smile in my heart because I knew I was providing you with the very best your tiny body needed.  I would do it all over again if I had to.   


I started to joke with your Dad that I could have been a Wet Nurse back in the day.  I could have fed all the babies in the village because I produced so much milk.

We started to get quite the collection.  I ended up donating about 200 bottles to the hospital for a breast milk study and recently was able to give two laundry baskets full to a family in need.  Their little baby girl was having trouble swallowing and had to be put on a tube.  Her mother's milk was drying up and she was so worried because her baby girl was not responding well to formula.  They came to our house, met you and took home all that milk.  The baby is doing so much better and they were so thankful.  It warms my heart to know all that work and love I put into pumping will not go to waste and that it is helping another sweet little baby like you.  I'm thankful Heavenly Father answered my prayers and made it possible to not only provide for you but for another baby in need too.  

Love you,

Mom

Thursday, October 2, 2014

The next 48 LONG hours

Dearest Andra,

I was recovering in the Women's Special Care unit after your birth. Since Magnesium is pretty awful they are strict about the time frame of when you are allowed to try standing. Basically Magnesium is a nerve/muscle relaxant. My limbs felt like jelly, my vision went blurry and I felt like crap. That meant I slept a lot. I was also constantly swimming in sweat puddles and my skin felt like it was on fire. I even scared your Grandma Starkie because she touched my arm and was surprised how hot I was.

I had to be on magnesium 24 after delivery and then wait another 24 hours before they would allow me to try standing. This meant I didn't get to see you which broke my heart some more. Then I felt so guilty for feeling that way because the woman in the room next to mine lost her baby. I could hear her sobbing and heartbroken in her room, especially throughout the night. It tore at my heart. I don't know what I would have done in her shoes but it made me thankful that you were here. Our situation might have not been my ideal plan but you were here.

I have to take this opportunity to tell you that your Dad may not wear a mask and cape but he is our hero. I have never been more impressed and in love with your Dad then I was during this whole experience. Before you came along I was the one who always took care of your Dad. I love caring for people, it's just in my nature. It always left me curious how your Dad would handle the whole childbirth experience and then being given ours I was concerned with how he would handle it. He showed me that there was no reason for me to be nervous. He was incredible! He made sure we were both cared for, handled insurance, ordered a breastpump, delivered breast milk to the NICU, took care of things at home, and the list goes on and on. I am truly so amazed by him.

During that horribly long 48 hours he would visit you and then tell me all about it and show me pictures. He was so positive when talking to me because he knew I was having a hard time. He would be beaming when talking you and how perfect you were. Your Dad doesn't get teary eyed or choked up often but he sure did after you were born. He is so in love with you, please never forget that.

Your Dad was always thinking about his two girls and one of the rules he made was that no family members were allowed to see you until I was able to. Aside from Grandpa Reid because he helped your Dad give you a blessing after you were born. (I will have to have your Dad tell you about his 48 hours as it was very different from mine) He wanted to make sure your Mom got her time first. It touched my heart that he thought of that and made me thankful because I was already a little jealous that your Dad got to see you when I couldn't. Seems silly but I just really wanted to see you, my sweet baby Andra!

The one thing I felt I could do for you was give you milk. I worked so hard during that 48 hours to produce milk. I had a wonderful nurse who helped me and I watched some great videos. I was determined to do that one thing for you. If I couldn't be there physically I would at least do this. It was a slow going process but all the praying and hard work paid off. I was able to feed you and it was exactly what you needed.

Friday, September 26, 2014

And then you were here...

Andra,

I started to come back to being conscience and the first thing I thought of was you which was quickly followed by the searing pain I felt in my belly. It felt like someone cut me open and I realized, Duh... Blythe, you did get cut open. I could hear voices, including your Dad, I tried so hard to open my eyes. I felt like yelling about the pain I was in but I couldn't seem to get any words out. After what felt like an hour, reality minutes, I was finally able to mumble a barely audible, it hurts. Thankfully your Dad heard me and asked me if I said it hurts I got out a mmm hmm and he told the nurse. I heard her say she would get some pain meds going and then I continued to wait in pain with what seemed like forever. I was finally able to open my eyes and saw your Dad and family members. All of this part was quite a blur. Coming off the gas was a struggle and the pain in my belly was hard to ignore. I guess I asked about you and your Dad showed me a picture. All I could manage was to say, "That's my girl. She is beautiful."



The nurse finally got the pain medications set up and it took another 30 minutes for them to actually kick in. I hurt and I was so tired. I drifted in and out a lot but I remember your Grandma Reid leaned over and she told me she had looked up the name Andra and the meaning of it. Your Dad and I had picked a few names for you but never decided on one.

Lillian
Andra
Rebecca

Andra is your Grandma Starkie's middle name and I have always thought it was unique and beautiful. Then when I heard the meaning it made it that much more special. It means courageous and strong. I still was not sure that it would be your name as I had not seen you yet.

On the way to my room where I would be recovering the nurse offered to wheel me to the NICU so I could see you. Your Dad was able to see you and I was anxious to see you myself. On the ride I got really sick and threw up a couple times. It is a unique experience to get wheeled into the NICU while in your hospital bed. We entered the NICU and it was hard for me to process all I was seeing. They pulled me up next to your isolette they raised my bed as high as it would go and lowered your bed as low as it would go. I tried my hardest to push myself up higher so I could get a better look at you but my stomach felt like it was going to rip open. All I saw was your tiny little outline and I was not allowed to even touch you. This was not what I had dreamed of. I couldn't hold you and I could barely even see you. My heart ached. I was so happy you were doing well but it was so intimidating and scary seeing how small you were and all the wires hooked up to you. The NICU nurses all asked if I knew what your name would be and I heard myself saying Andra Blythe. Apparently I was still not very clear when speaking and thankfully your Dad knows me well and made sure to repeat what I said. You see, my name means joyous and it was a joyous day when you entered our lives.

Andra Blythe Starkie

We were only there for a few minutes before I was being wheeled away to my recovery room. It was all such a blur. I was at work the day before and going in for a normal OBGYN appointment and now you were here and in the NICU. You were a small 2 lbs. 3 oz. 15 inches long and fighting your own battles. I sat in disbelief that it all happened. It didn't feel real and I had phantom feelings of you moving in my belly. It was all a sleepy blur.


That is your Daddy's hand in these pictures so you can know just how small you were.

D-Day (Delivery Day)

Little Miss Andra,

I had this image in my mind even before being pregnant that I would get to have a full term baby vaginally. I would be able to do skin-to-skin (Kangaroo Care) immediately after birth and then I would breast feed my sweet baby and it would be wonderful. I was even okay with the idea if I had it have a c-section. What I never thought about was quickly becoming our reality.

I somehow made it through the longest night of my life, I give all the credit to you. Your movements and that sweet sound of your heartbeat were so comforting. My blood pressure was finally coming down and the nurses and doctors were convinced that I would be able to at least make it the 48 hours needed for the two steroid shots. I started to relax a little bit.

Your Dad came back up to the hospital early in the morning and I was so happy to see his face. He pulled up a chair next to my bed and told me to get some more sleep. He held my hand and watched a show on the iPad with his ear phones in. I started to dose off when I noticed I couldn't hear your heart beat. I quickly sat up and pressed the dopplers on my belly to see if I could hear it, at times you would move and I wouldn't be able to hear you for a minute. Your Dad asked if everything was okay and I told him I couldn't hear your heart beat. I could not find it. Seconds later three nurses came into the room and told me that they were concerned they couldn't hear your heartbeat. They had me move in different positions to try and find it. One nurse started to explain that she had to push a button and once the button was pushed there would be ten people rushing into the room to get me into the operating room. They pushed the button and in rushed a ton of people. They started yanking cords from the wall and I heard them tell your Dad they would be back for him. I started trembling and crying. I was so scared. I looked at your Dad and he told me it would be okay and that he loved me the next thing I know we are crashing through the doors into the operating room. They moved me to the operating table. I started to ball and hyperventilate and can vaguely remember me saying, "Is this really happening?" There was a nurse that stood over my head, her eyes were kind, and she told me that it was really happening and it was going to be okay. She asked me to breathe and they put the mask on my face to knock me out. I sat there breathing, tears running down my face and terrified for both of us. I was so scared what would happen to you and for some reason I was scared I wouldn't ever wake up. I made myself focus on the nurse's eyes that were over my head. Then darkness....




Thursday, September 25, 2014

University of Utah Hospital

Andra, when I got to the hospital I was under the impression that I would just be monitored for a couple hours and then sent home.  I got myself all checked in and they hooked me up to an automatic blood pressure cuff that took my blood pressure every ten minutes.  They also put dopplers on my belly so they could monitor your heart beat.

The Dr. came in and told me they would need to put me on a medication to try to bring down my blood pressure.  She also told me that I needed to call your Dad and tell him to come up to the hospital.  They were beating around the bush a lot and not really giving me much information on a "plan of attack" but they kept mentioning a possible hospital stay until your due date or having you within the next 24 hours... I started to worry. I was getting scared because no one would give me a straight answer on what was going on. I tried my hardest to calm down and be happy. The sound of your sweet whooshing heartbeat was beautiful. I felt alone in that room waiting for your Dad but I knew I wasn't. I wanted everything to be okay and all I could think to do was pray and hum, "A Child's Prayer," over and over. It helped calm me down but I was so nervous for the unknown.

Finally your Dad came walking through the door and my heart swelled with love and thanks for him. Just having him with me helped greatly. When the Dr. came back she explained that my blood pressure was not coming down and that they were quite concerned about it because it was not healthy for me or you. They asked if I was comfortable getting a steroid shot to help progress your lung development in case you came early. They prefer giving two shots in a 48 hour period 24 hours apart so I told them yes and they gave it to me. They then told me that I would need to be admitted to the Labor and Delivery floor for further  monitoring and that I would not be going home. I took the news in stride but was really nervous inside.

I was moved to Labor and Delivery and called my parents to let them know what was going on. I asked my Dad if he would be available to give me a priesthood blessing with your Dad. He said yes and they would be up in a bit. Your Dad left to go get some things for me at home and I was alone with you again listening to your heartbeat. The nurse came in and set me up on Magnesia and a Catheter.

I had all these thoughts in my head about what I would like to hear in the blessing. I wanted to hear that my blood pressure would come down, I could go home on bed rest, that you would continue growing and would be healthy and that I would be healthy.

My parents and your Dad finally came in and they proceeded with the blessing. Your Dad anointed the oil because he was too choked up and worried to say the blessing so my Dad gave the blessing. The blessing is not at all what I was expecting/hoping to hear. Your Grandpa blessed us with strength to deal with the challenges that had come to us, that we would feel of our Heavenly Father's love, that whatever the outcome we would get through it and be okay. I remember feeling disappointed at first but am so thankful for that blessing. Andra, it is exactly what we both needed and I know that this gospel is true. Our Father in Heaven knows each of us and is very aware of our needs, even more than we think we know ourselves. We must have faith in him. I am also extremely thankful that we have priesthood holders in our family that can give us blessings. I truly believe that because of that blessing we were able to overcome the hurdles that were coming our way.

I made your Dad go home that night so he could get some good sleep and I settled in with you in my belly. It was a LONG night. My blood pressure cuff went off every 15 minutes, they had to collect my urine every hour and they had to check my vitals every hour. The only thing good about that night was the constant sound of  your whooshing heart beat.

Thursday, August 21, 2014

The Clampsia

Dear Andra,

I was so nauseous and tired during pregnancy.  I wasn't throwing up all the time but it was more that absolutely nothing sounded appetizing.  I felt so sick to my stomach all day everyday and it finally started improving at about 14 weeks.  Those were some of the best weeks because I knew that being pregnant with you was the reason I was sick and that was a wonderful feeling, I was finally going to be a Mom.  Other than these few symptoms I had a pretty easy going pregnancy for the first little bit and I enjoyed feeling you move and get hiccups as things progressed.

Before getting pregnant and all throughout the prgnancy I had this really horrible fear that I was going to get Preeclampsia.  I would share my fears with your Dad, Grandma Reid, and my good friend Becky all the time and I am pretty sure they all thought I was a little nuts for worrying about something like that. In reality what were the chances of that really happening to me, right?

Dr. Sharp found out that I had higher blood pressure during my first prenatal visit but thought that maybe I had it before pregnancy.  This immediately peaked my worries and the thought in the back of my mind instantly came rushing to the top and I could not get rid of it.  I would get so anxious at each Dr. appointment after that just waiting for them to tell me that there was protein in my urine and confirm my fears.  It really is so weird that I worried so much about Preeclampsia because so many women have had it and have had normal pregnancies with healthy full term babies but it did not ease my mind in the least.

The pregnancy was going along just as it should and we found out that you were a sweet baby girl when I was 24 weeks pregnant.  We got some sweet pictures of you and watching you move around on the TV screen made me tear up.  This was real and you were very real and we could see what you might look like.  Your Dad and I were so excited to meet you come July and we loved you more than we ever thought possible in that moment.



Who would have known that only four short weeks later we would be meeting you in person?

I was 28 weeks pregnant and it was your Dad's birthday.  I was scheduled to have my Glucose test that day.  I talked to your Dad on the phone and told him I was thinking about canceling my appointment so we could do something fun and celebrate his birthday instead of me going to my Dr. appointment.  I called the Dr's office and asked them if we could switch days.  They did not have any openings that week so I would have to go in next week and I would not be able to get to see my Dr, Dr. Sharp, and would have to see someone else.  I decided I wasn't interested in this and kept my appointment.  I called your Dad and let him know we could go out to dinner after my appointment.

As I drove to my appointment it was the first time I felt oddly calm.  EVERY single appointment leading up to this one I had had anxiety and worried about what the Dr. would tell me and suprisingly I did not feel any of those feelings this time around.

I went and took my glucose test when I arrived.  Did the standard weight, blood pressure and pee in a cup bit.  The Nurses Assistant that tested my urine got a concerned look on her face and I knew immediately that there was protein in my urine.  I asked her with a calm voice, "There is protein in my urine, isn't there?"  She told me she had to have a Nurse or Dr. look at it before she could tell me any information.  Dr. Sharp came into the room a quick minute later with a concerned look on his face.  The sentence that came out of his mouth was simple and my worst fear was confirmed.  He simply said, "I am afraid you have the Clampsia."  He then had a discussion with me how he did not like the protein levels and that my blood pressure was higher than what he was comfortable with.  He asked me how I felt about going up the hospital to get monitored for a couple hours to see if they could get my blood pressure to go down.  I told him I would go and he was relieved.  He really thought it would be best for me to go.

I called your Dad to let him know that we may need to celebrate his birthday on a different day and let him know what was going on.  He asked me if he needed to come up to the hospital and I told him that it wasn't neccsary.  I told him to watch a movie and eat some ice cream and to enjoy his birthday evening.

I went and checked into the hospital not knowing that I would be bringing you into the world the very next day...